Thursday, September 10, 2009


This is the time of year, as the days grow cooler and become golden, and the first leaves begin to flutter gently downwards, that I remember. I remember three years ago, when I had just lost a baby to miscarriage, and two years ago when I would have been giving birth to a second baby who flew away too soon. I remember long moments of waiting, watching, listening for a heartbeat that wasn't there, and long days of waiting for my body to give up the baby that I so desperately wanted to keep. I remember the horrible night I spent in the ER, as my life's blood flowed out with that tiny one, and the long weeks of recovery that followed. Then, a few month's later, learning once again that there was life within me, and waiting, hoping, praying, fearing, and then losing that baby as well.
Time goes on, and there is healing. Yes, there is still sadness for those little ones; there are still questions. I still wonder what they would have been like. I give thanks for Raphael, whose very name means "God has healed" and through whom God indeed brought healing both to my body and my heart. I give thanks for Peregrine and Alethea, my two lively, curious, and loving older children. I am glad, not for losing babies, but that God was with me through it and that I have changed, hopefully grown through the sadness and pain. I am thankful that I know those babes, Esther and Lydia, are safe and that one day we will be together. It makes me wonder more about heaven, long for my eternal home.
Little ones, Esther and Lydia, I remember you. I miss you, and am glad I got to be your mama, even if our time together here was so short. I love you, and I remember...


  1. Memory Eternal.

    Hugs and love

  2. hugs and prayers for you.

  3. I am so sorry to hear, my daughter had 2 miscarriage and it is nothing for her and for us so paintfull and hopeless! She eventually adopted one wonderful boy, but it is still in our though and prayers....
    I fell for you, ileana from
    ilibili's kitchen

  4. May their memory be eternal. Thank for sharing your joys and sorrows with us.

  5. Strange that you should post about this.....

    I too am remembering my Janie today. My heart just hurts so MUCH today, and it shocks, because it has been 5 years.

    And then, my babies lost to miscarriage, one right after the other, in the midst of trying so hard to have another baby.....

    Yes. Thank you for your remembrances. It means that we are a sisterhood and we can lift each other up times when memories come like the seasons.

    I will never forget my tiny ones, and I will pray for you today.

    Much love.

  6. Oh, Rebeca, that brought tears to my eyes! I, too, have two little ones in heaven. Praise God for His healing, comfort, and sovereignty....*hugs*


  7. Hey there!! Just saying I'm glad that I have you as a friend, and sorry we ALL have to go through pain. ALL our stories are different but we are struggling on the same things though.

    Love you lots!!!

  8. "I love you and I remember."
    Thank you Rebeca. My heart and experience agrees with your words, and it brought me to tears tonight. Such a painful experience to share with a sister! Yet I too, appreciate how God uses that loss to makes our children here even more precious to us, and our thoughts turn towards heavens reality, more.
    love you.


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