This week has difficult. After going through a very hard miscarriage in September I was happy to find out I was pregnant again. It was exciting and a little scary too, hoping, praying, trying not to give in to fear, to believe, or at least to hope, that it would be fine this time. Just a week after learning I was pregnant I started having some bleeding and, having known of lots of people who've had that, hoped it would pass. But it continued to get heavier and blood tests have confirmed very low hormone levels. We have loved and said goodbye to another baby.
I have so many questions, mostly why? Why me? Why again? I'm healthy and strong, and even getting pregnant earlier than I had planned was long enough according to "them". (And obviously long enough according to God!) This baby was a gift from Him, even though I only got to hold it in my womb for such a short time. It's so hard to walk through this again, but I'm not given a choice in that. My choice is in how I respond- will I become bitter and angry that life isn't fair, that life is so full of pain? By God's grace and mercy, I will not. I pray that this will make me a little more like my precious Savior, a little more loving, a little more humble, a little more compassionate and aware of the suffering of others.
In the last few days my Bible reading has brought me to Matthew 11:28-30 where Jesus says "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." I am weary and burdened and these words are for me. I have cried out to Him that this doesn't feel like an easy yoke; I have begged Him to be gentle with me. And I have to trust that He is, even when my burden feels too heavy to bear. I have to remember, in faith, that He is walking alongside me, sharing in my pain and ministering strength and healing to me both through His Spirit and through His people, or family and friends. And as we walk this road together I hope I become more like the One who shares this yoke, gentle and humble in heart. I am just now reminded that the meaning of my name, Rebeca, is "yoked with God".
My mind scurries a hundred places- to the not-so-distant past and the memory of losing Esther. To my two babies now together in heaven in the presence of Jesus and all the saints who've gone before us, and the angels. I am comforted that they are Home, that they are spared the pain and sadness of this earth. But there are arms aching to hold them here. I think of the two I have here on earth, the ones I've been given to hold and care for; how precious is each moment with them. Looking to the future, I wonder if I will be able to have any more. What if something is wrong with my body? My first two pregnancies were so healthy; has something changed? How can this possibly be used for good? What is God's purpose in allowing this to happen again? Could I have prevented it? Is there anything I can do to keep it from happening again? How many times can a person go through this before they just give up?
I cling to hope; I cling to God Himself. He has not left or forsaken me, though at times I feel desolate.
Thanks to all who are praying for us during this time. God hears and is a very present help in this time of our trouble.