As we wait for the miscarriage to happen there are so many thoughts and feelings racing through me. I feel like a small child in the ocean, sometimes able to stand up, and then suddenly knocked over by a cold and powerful wave, held under by the swirling water, and then, what seems like an age later, blinking in the sunlight, trying to regain my balance before the next wave comes. I go on for a while doing "okay", feeling the dull ache of sadness and then a word or a thought taps into my emotions and once again I find myself in tears, feeling the pain and loss more intensely. I guess this is normal. In my "okay" moments sometimes I feel guilty that I'm not having a harder time. Is that normal too? And then in a sense I welcome the tears as they assure me that I do feel, that I do love and feel loss.
Peregrine and Alethea are such a sweet comfort to me right now. Their lives go on as normal, which means they need their Mama to go on too. And that's so good for me, to have to read them books and play with them, change diapers, make snacks, discipline, kiss owies and play games. I can't just lie around all days, brooding; they need me to be their Mama just like they needed me a week ago and they will need me next week. I look at them and am overwhelmed with gratefulness for my two healthy, wonderful children. And for Erik, who is amazingly caring and tender toward me, even as he deals with the pain of loss himself. Our families, too are so kind, so helpful, bringing meals, picking up groceries, taking the kids for a while, just being there for us. Yes, there is pain, but it makes the blessings all the sweeter, makes me realize how much we've been given as there are so many who are walking through this trial with us.
I think my biggest struggle right now is fear about the miscarriage. I've been trying to read and be as prepared as possible, both with knowledge and with the supplies we may need to have on hand. Talking to friends who have been through this has been immensely helpful as well, even though it happens differently for each one. I'm glad I chose not to have a D&C even though the time of waiting is hard. We are praying that God will allow it to happen soon; partly so that the time of anticipation will be ended, and partly because there is a risk of infection. There are some herbs that can be taken to help bring about the contractions, but I'm balking at taking them, partly because of the fear. I wrote out some Scripture and a prayer on some cards and am reading them, trying to fill my mind with the truth and with God's promises. I shouldn't be surprised at how our enemy comes in when we're vulnerable; I lived in great fear as a child and haven't struggled with it like this in many years. Please pray that I will be able to take my thoughts captive and dwell on things that are true right now. It's a battle.
We have decided to call our baby Esther Hope. Peregrine, who knew I was pregnant even before it was possible to know, had been calling the baby Esther for a while. I'm so comforted by the fact that she's safe in the arms of Jesus, spared from all the pain and sadness of this life. Having her there has made me think so much more about the hope we have and about our true home, and that's why we chose Hope. It's also my Mom's middle name.