I told myself shortly after we found out our baby had died that I would allow myself to feel whatever I felt and work through whatever thoughts and feelings come in the process of loss and grief and acceptance and healing. I'm glad I gave myself "permission" to do this, as I think it's important to deal with whatever surfaces. On the other hand, there are some thoughts that I try not to entertain too much. Many of these are the questions that arise, many of them along the lines of "why me?" and "what if?" These thoughts do come, and they are the ones with no answers, the ones that could torment a person if they were allowed to. A few of the prominent ones that keep popping up in my mind are: I'm healthy, I eat well, I love my children, why me? Why are there meth heads and crack mamas who give birth to healthy babies and yet mine died? Thousands of women don't want their babies, but I wanted mine. What if I would have done something differently? Would it still have happened? Why did God allow the miscarriage to be so traumatic when we specifically prayed that I wouldn't lose too much blood, wouldn't end up in the hospital, wouldn't have a D&C, etc? Why am I forced now to lie on the couch all day, unable to care for my family in the way that I think I should? Why should my children have to go through this? Why, why, why? (Waaa, waa, waa!)
Yes, these thoughts come, these and many more. There are no answers, and really, I'm not looking for answers. I know that life isn't fair. Just because I eat well and love my babies doesn't guarantee anything. Something in me screams for what I perceive as fair, screams that I don't deserve this. In my heart though, I know that life isn't fair. That the rain falls and the sun shines on the just and the unjust. Many women take the lives of their unwanted babies, and many other Mamas mourn and grieve that they will never know their babies who die before they're born. Yes, I live a healthy lifestyle and am careful to eat well, but that doesn't mean that I will never get sick or bleed too much or know sorrow and pain.
These are some of the thoughts that come, and these are the ones that I try to let go of quickly. I have to let God give me, instead of tormenting thoughts, His peace. Peace that is beyond understanding. It's an enigma, that even when there are no answers, nothing to wrap our minds around, God offers us peace. It's one of the things about God's kingdom that just doesn't make sense. But I'll take it. And I'll cling to it. The peace is there; He is there, gently wrapping me in His strong arms, not giving me answers, but giving me peace. Not taking the pain away, but sharing it with me, and sending many others who are willing to share it too. It's a beautiful thing really, when I'm willing to accept it.