A few days ago my life was different. And then, in an unexpected moment, everything changed. I was carrying within me a brand new life and we were full of expectations and hopes and excitement at the thought of meeting our new baby next March. On Thursday I went to see my midwife and we were unable to hear the heartbeat. She said that sometimes at this stage it's still is hard to hear, but just to make sure things were okay she sent me for an ultrasound. Erik left work and came over to be with me, and the ultrasound confirmed that our little baby had stopped growing a few weeks ago and was no longer alive.
The rest of the day was kind of a blur of tears and grief. We went back to see our midwife, who talked with us about what choices we had and what to expect. We were on and off the phone with our Moms and a few close friends. We returned home where my Mom, who had stayed with the kids, ran out to meet us with hugs and tears. My Daddy was here too, and we held each other and cried. Erik's Mom and Dad brought dinner over and when Erik ended his prayer with "and please hold our baby close tonight" we all let the tears flow again, sad that we will never hold this little one but comforted that she is safe in the arms of the One who made her and loves her perfectly. That night I layed in bed with Peregrine and we talked about heaven and what it will be like there and how his little sister is there already. He said to me "She will crawl on the streets of gold."
And now we wait. Wait for my body to give birth to this tiny one whose spirit has gone on to Jesus already. I've chosen not to go in and have a D&C, which would end the waiting, but the thought of that procedure makes me shudder. I'm fearful of the actual miscarriage, fearful of the unknown, of the pain, of bleeding too much. (I lost a lot of blood with Alethea, and I'm concerned about this.) I really want to be able to go through this at home, and not have to deal with doctors and hospitals right now.
Please pray for us during this time. We feel God's presence and His peace and comfort, but we also feel the great loss of our baby and mourn that we will never know her on this side of glory. We are more thankful than ever for Peregrine and Alethea and for each other. Our families and friends are being a wonderful source of help to us, bringing food and helping with the kids. Please pray that the miscarriage will be able to happen naturally and that God will give me peace and strength as I wait and as I go through it. I will write more as I feel able. I have so many thoughts and feelings churning around inside of me, and I don't want to forget this time.